Thursday, November 30, 2017

Earlier today : “aw mom don’t worry about me! I’m doing great!”

Later this evening : “hey internet! I’m gonna cut my bangs and I know I do it wrong every single time... wanna watch me fuck this up live?!”

Internet : “hell yeah!!”

Me: “let’s do it!!!!!”


Tuesday, November 28, 2017


Sunday, November 26, 2017

Mall parking rant : y’all should let me park wherever I want because you’re lucky I showed up in the first place AND I don’t even really super wanna be here getting trampled over all day BUT HERE I AM. Y’all should get a valet for me and give me a hug and a coffee for what you’re putting me through. I had to get up even earlier to be here and the coffee line was too long so I had to skip out on it JUST because I gotta walk 900 years in the rain to get somewhere for your customers and I’m gonna SMILE AT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM ALL DAY until I gotta walk 800 years back to my car in the dead ass dark by myself in the cold. I KNOW THESE CUSTOMERS CAN WALK BECAUSE THEY RUN ME OVER WITH THEIR STROLLERS AND TRAMPLE ME AND PRETEND I DONT EXIST SO IM PRETTY DAMN SURE THEY WONT MIND WALKING A LITTLE FURTHER TO THEIR CARS.


Almost dropping my bottle of champagne into the bathtub after one sip is a panic I never wish to feel again.

Saturday, November 25, 2017


Friday, November 24, 2017

To all my friends in retail working today - may the Starbucks be with you. Customers are coming. #BlackFriday #PittyTheWeak #DealSquad

Hey don’t ever dye your hair purple you can cover it up with 3 different colors and that shit is gonna be there -  until you die.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

-trips and falls down in food court-

-pack of teenage girls laugh-

“I was so overcome by the loss of lil peep that I had to sit down. I’m sorry.”

Girls : “oh my god, peep.” 

-sad rambling as they walk away-

“.... sorry peep.”

Friday, November 10, 2017

“So can you describe the items?”

“Well, one is a black MacBook Pro.. the other is a gold iPad.”

“Right, but is there anything that we could identify right away? Backgrounds? Stickers?”

“Well, the MacBook background is an older picture of fall out boy....”

“....right... and the other device?”

“..... the iPad background is the iconic picture of Tom from MySpace.... repeating over and over...”

-blank stare-

“Are you familiar with MySpace Tom or do you need a picture for reference?”

“ I know what picture you’re talking about....”

-giggling from afar-

“.....yeah it’s just repeating.... forever”

Shout out to the ratchet FUCK who cut my convertible top and stole my computer and iPad. Enjoy your fucking paper weights.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

I may have just reached my final form.


The Coast


Saturday, November 4, 2017


IPhone X is only one sleep away

Thursday, November 2, 2017


Told you I was sick