Yee Haw

 

I looked like the little mermaid for a second there. Chill though, it's not like that.

 

Murica

 

This is Nic Kyllingstad, a 16 year old who followed me on Twitter. Nic went missing Sunday night and did not show up to school on Monday. Around a half an hour ago they found Nic deceased, he shot himself in the head. Bullying has long term effects. If you or anyone you know shows signs of depression do not ignore them, help them to get the support they need.

I CANT BELIEVE I CANT GO SEE THE ACADEMY IS ON FRIDAY AT HOUSE OF BLUES BECAUSE LIFE IS JUST UNFAIR SOMETIMES I HAVE WAITED YEARS FOR THIS MOMENT THAT I GET TO MISS

One year ago I was walking down the street in the snow with trash bags completely full of whatever belongings I could fit into the mustang. At 4:30PM I hit the Jersey turnpike and did not stop until I reached my parents driveway. I've never had so much red bull in my life. But I'm so thankful that I was able to come home.

We have been live streaming SC2 : Legacy of the Void for 12 hours now.

Keep your dogs in your yard or on a leash!!!!!!! My Darwin was attacked this morning by a German Shepard that was on the loose. We are so lucky that my mom wasn't attacked too. Darwin is on his way to emergency care. I am so lucky that my mother wasn't attacked while trying to save him.

Cobra Starship 2006-2015.

 

 

 I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

 I’m tired of life hitting the fan the way that it does.

I get that it happens to everyone, but my life is seriously addicted to hitting the fan continuously.

 This whole 75% off Kate Spade sale thing going on has my wallet crying in pain.

 I really wish I had a best friend.

Someone who called me to hang out, someone who wanted to get coffee or just to text and see how I’m doing. Someone to talk about life with, go shopping with, bullshit with, send funny selfies to each other.

I’m so lonely.

Like I don’t have any hobbies or friends or anything much going on besides Mike. I love him to death and I love spending time with him, but I keep making him spend all of his time with me and I feel like I’m just completely smothering him to pieces.

I just wish I had someone in my life that I could talk to.

Recently I’ve been feeling like my emotions hit a wall and have nowhere else to go.

 I’ve never literally cried after seeing a photo of myself until today.

So that’s really sad.

 I think I have nothing to look forward to.

I’m really tired all the time and I cop an attitude for no reason at everyone and everything.
I feel sick all the time.

I think it’s my back problems.

 I need like a pack of cigarettes, a red bull and a huge box of tampons because my day has been a real shitter

 I thought wayyyy tooooo much today.

I am so depressed.
I’m literally drowning in it.

 It’s truly a shame that I just can not be happy.

I can not just sweep things under the rug.
I have to tear down all of the walls and complain about the sunlight that beams down upon me

 I’m sad.

How could I be sad?

I have everything.

 Our whole relationship I begged you to try hard to find another job because I wanted you to excel in life. You were so much better than working at the fucking super market. The second I ship you home you get a real job. After all of the money I spent driving your useless ass around, paying for all of your meals, taking us on vacations, coming home after 12 hours at work and then cleaning up the huge messes you made.

Fuck off.
Seriously just fuck off.

Even after everything I’ve done for you, you’re a cheating lying scumbag.

You used me and took me for everything I had.

Fuck off.

 While in New York City I offended a cab driver by calling him a "cabbie." It's been like three days and I'm still sad about it.

 I am so excited to be visiting New York on Thursday.

I just booked the hotel and I am so thrilled. This is going to be fantastic.

iPhone 2015

 Only a few more hours before my man Tim Cook takes the stage and tells me about how broke I'm going to be in the very near future.

iPhone 2015

 YALL KNOW IMA BE ON THAT ALL ROSE GOLD FLEEK

 I look at you and all I want is everything.

All of the books, movies, shows, songs.. They make sense.
All of the people that spend fifty years together make sense.
All of the paintings become clear and make sense.
I don’t want to see myself without you.
I don’t ever want to never hear your voice.

I love looking over at you pushing a shopping cart.
I love watching you make dinner.
I love hearing you laugh.
I love running my fingers through your hair when you’re sad.
I love kissing your forehead and calling it a noggin.
I love how people can see just how much of a dingus I am when I am next to you.
I’m so bad at saying it to you directly.
You know absolutely what I mean, anyway.

 All of the pieces came together

They just fit
I didn’t have to reshape them
Cut them
Glue them
They fell together as if they belonged
And I gazed down at the most beautiful picture
A puzzle has ever been printed on

 Her eyes stared gracefully down at me.

Her picture is hung so high.
I glanced up from my phone and we made eye contact.
She knew.
I knew.
He knew.
I hit send on the last message I will ever send.

Exhale.

 Maybe this was all a big mistake.

Maybe I’m jumping in too soon.
Maybe I’m not ready for this.
Maybe I’m getting played.

This is your fault. You made me this way. You built me to never trust a soul. All of you did this. You saw something beautiful and you kicked it down until it couldn’t fucking handle itself anymore. Are you happy? Are you all fucking happy? You’re not even here but I can hear all of your shitty little voices telling me how much I suck and how ugly I am.

I can’t pull another human being into this.

 I know a lot of people are going to judge my recent decisions and they don’t know they truth about what was even going on in my life.

I gave someone my heart who completely took advantage of me. I truly cared about someone and they threw it all away for literally no reason. I’ve been unhappy for at least six months. It’s been a year since he cheated on me with three other girls and I tried my best to look beyond that and give the benefit of the doubt because it felt like we had this incredible friendship. I figured he was just young and scared. No, he was selfish.

For the first time in a year someone came along and made me feel like I was beautiful. He laughs at my jokes, plays games with me, calls me on the phone, sends me stupid apple watch heartbeats, we sing in the car, he asks me how my pigs are. He’s interested in learning all about me. He’s my best friend. I think about him all the time. My stupid face hurts from smiling.

So, please, judge me.

PSA- if you’re a girl and your boyfriend cheats on you… So many guys are out there. Go get an upgrade. Don’t waste your damn time. He’s already moved on, it’s your turn.

 I keep reaching out to you, trying to be your friend. I keep asking you to hang out and you don’t even have the decency to text me back. You were crying saying you wanted to be my friend and hang out that night and I really took it to heart.

I guess you didn’t mean it.

You only text me when it’s a good time for you.

You’re just a crappy friend. I’m mad about it, I guess.

 It’s been like a day and you’ve added 9 new girls on Facebook.

You’re a dog.
You’re such fucking garbage.

 I came home last night and my dad had cleaned my room.

He said he didn’t want me to have to do it because he didn’t want me to cry organizing TJs things.

I looked over and my Paddington Bear was sitting on the bed.

I don’t think I will ever forget it.

 I hope that you find your dreams.

I hope that you work hard.

Never stop smiling.

 And with every modern love story it comes to an end that wouldn’t leave a dry eye in the house.

 and then those long, pretty lashes showed up into my life

all I can say is

ok

 Me : “I’m almost the same size I was before I left!”


Dad : -snicker-

Me : “I’ve lost 42 pounds, I’m the same weight I was before I left.”

Dad : “no you’re not. There’s no way.”

Me : “yes I am.”

Dad : “no you’re not.” -laughs and leaves the room-

ouch.

 I’m really surprised that I have new traffic on my reverbnation page.

When I first started singing, I was fourteen and tone deaf. I worked for years on my voice, I took three vocal lessons a week and practically lived at the studio. I wrote, produced and played music almost everyday at the studio until I turned 21.

I hit a wall, I got a ton of negative feedback and I was told that I wasn’t a good singer and wouldn’t ever be. My boyfriend at the time actually told friends not to come to my shows because I was horrible and he didn’t want me to feel embarrassed.

I stopped singing all together when I turned 21. I couldn’t take the negativity and I was unsure who was lying to me, who was telling me the truth. I became so insecure that I pushed it all away. I remember calling my vocal coach and canceling my appointment. I really never called again after that and I literally WORKED at the studio. I just didn’t show up. Ever again. I still haven’t gone back.

Right now I’m locally ranked at #14 and I uploaded my Demo music around a week ago. Needless to say, that’s a hell of a lot better than expected.

 When I was in High School I tried so hard to be friends with this one girl Freshman year and I guess she got into a fight with her cooler friends so she finally decided that we would be best friends. Two days later we met up to watch the football game and she got back together with her old best friends half way through the game. She literally got up and moved five bleachers ahead of me knowing that I would be sitting there alone. She didn’t even say goodbye when she left.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is people suck.

 I turned around at the interview and spoke to you for the first time.

Years later I looked at you and smiled, you smiled back.
Now you’re just a memory who checks in on me.

Life is strange.

 I will find you and I will crack your jaw.

 So tonight when I was picking TJ up from work on my way home from work and I was somewhat early so I decided to sit in the parking lot and wait it out. I parked and turned my car off and I was just on tumblr. Just doing my thing.

Then, these two big trucks pull up with big horse trailers on them and the guys get out. Suddenly the one screams at the other one “I’m going to fucking kill you! I’m going to fucking kill you!” Then I heard loud banging and screaming and shit. So I call the cops. Then the screaming sounded far away and the yelling got even louder “I will fuck him up worse! I’m going to fuck him up even worse! I’m going to kill him!” I was so scared. They didn’t know I was there in my car but I was the only other car in the lot. The man kept screaming and then finally the cops came. I don’t know if the one guy shot the other guy or the guy beat up the other guy or WHAT.

Anyway, I was so afraid that I almost started crying.

That happened.

 An open letter to Jake Lloyd :

Jake,

I don’t personally know you, but I see the comments make about you online and I hope that you don’t think the whole world is full of assholes. Honestly, I’ve seen some of the awful things they’ve posted about you and I feel ashamed. I don’t know how you’ve gone your whole life dealing with these comments and jokes surrounding your childhood and a choice your family made for you, thinking they would better your adulthood. It’s no wonder you’ve run into some rough times.

I read on your wiki page that you’ve burned all of your star wars related swag because you felt like the film ruined your life. In a way, after looking at your various social media pages I’ve come to agree with your statement. I scrolled through pages and pages of jokes. It’s absolutely disgusting. These are the first people to turn and judge you, too. It’s amazing how humans are programed to beat down other humans that they don’t even know. Completely eye opening. What’s funny is, if you ever did take your life, they’d be the first people to mourn you on their social media pages.

I just want you to know that I see you for you and not for a role you were forced into as a child. I see a guy who loves video games, who worked hard at school. I’m not the only person who sees it. Buried beneath all of the bullshit comments are comments from real people, who see the real you, who admire you for being you. Hundreds of people flocked to your pages to post jokes, but so did hundreds of fans wishing you well. As hard as it must be to turn a blind eye to the bullshit, you have to. You just have to. For your friends, family and fans. We are here, all of us. We have been all along.

People are going to try to put a label on you, going to try to diagnose you with mental illness, but when in actuality you are a young man who dealt with bullying your entire life. Where most people stop getting bullied in college, you had to keep going through it. You get bullied on your on social media by your own “fans.” Anyone who has gone through the massive amounts of bullying would hit a wall, they’d hit it hard. As it turns out, you have to hit your wall in front of the world, in front of the people who bullied you in the past. You have the media covering it. You have it worse than a typical meltdown would.

Everything is going to be alright.

In my opinion, it would be best to close any and all social media platforms.

Get well soon.

 😂 tyga’s song pleaser is pretty nasty.

If anyone ever wrote anything like that about me I would die.

 :( My vape isnt charging anymore, I just got it in like, march.

I paid a boat load and a half for the darn thing, too.

 I’m so depressed.

I just wanted to make things right.
I haven’t done anything to deserve it.
I work so hard and I bust my butt.
I don’t want to go through all of this.

 So last week :

- Old friend stabbed her boyfriend 8 times with a knife or something.
- Was told that bottomless mimosas can only be ordered with a ~brunch item and can not be ordered with a ~lunch item.

I’m not sure what one I’m more upset about, honestly.

 I feel like apple was like

“Hey lolly, who do you wanna see perform at WWDC?”
“Oh you know, Drake and The Weeknd.”
“Oh, okay, yeah, good choice. Lets do that! Have a great day at work lol bye”

But then it actually happened.

 I’m so tired of people not inviting me places. I’m tired of not having a group of friends or anyone who texts me. I feel so alone in the world. I feel like that’s why I’ve had such a bad attitude towards everything lately.

I’m so tired of being the odd man out. I see people going out and having fun and I’m not invited. Like I haven’t had a best friend in at least three years.

People pretend to be my friend when they want someone to talk to or vent to but they don’t give a shit about me. I’m so over it.

 You tell me you want to hang out more

But you never text me back
You never ask me to hang out.

Maybe someday, I guess.

 Just like that, you’re gone.

Just leaving and not coming back.
No goodbye, not even a bat of an eyelash.
I figured I’d at least care a little bit more.

It’s been too many years.
You’re taken care of.

 I don’t know exactly what happened last night,

but I’m pretty sure I peed in a dumpster at one point.

 When you’re shit talking someone

Then you google them
And they got a mug shot
And you dying because you’re literally the best

 I am so upset that I’m actually shaking in anger.

 It’s hard to make friends.

It’s hard to keep friends.
Growing up is bull shit.

 Almost a year later and my heart is still broken.

My confidence is completely gone. Lame.

 All I ever wanted to do was sing.

I dedicated the majority of my life to it.
It didn’t work out.
It hurts every time I go to sing along.

It hurts all the time

 I wish

I wasn’t
So
Depressed

All
The
Time

I don’t even have a real reason to be.
But I truly am
Depressed

 Don’t take what I said the wrong way.

I am in no shape or form interested in that way.
I just wanted to check up on you after seeing a conversation we had many years ago. It was emotional and hard for you to express that memory with me.

I hope that you’re happy.

You look happy.

You deserve to be happy.

I’m happy, too.

This is exactly how it should be.

I just want you to know I didn’t forget what we all went through.

 The princess & the lovely voice.

The princess & the secret queen.
The princess & the loner.
The princess & the storm.
The princess & the loner, reloaded.
The princess & the wise man.
The princess & the vision.
The princess & the rebel triangle.
The princess & the liar.
The princess & the shapeshifter.

For those of you who have the family room sickness going around, good luck. #same #dying

RIP Little Jimmy Dickens, a Nashville legend.