Friday, July 25, 2014

 I’ve spent a lot of the last month feeling pretty crappy about myself and I have a lot of really amazing people holding my hand through it all. Life can be unexpected and unfair sometimes. I’m just really thankful I have a great support system in my life.

I’ve had a lot of let downs prior to what has happened and the more I think of it, the more these past events make this one look so small.

At the end of the day, I’m worthy of someone who feels that I’m worthy. I deserve someone who isn’t going to go looking for anything else. I’m a one woman power house and I’ve always cared so much about everyone that I’ve had relationships with. I’m trusting, smart, funny and playful. I might have some emotional baggage, but I do my best everyday to play it off and I never try to inconvenience anyone with my personal problems. Even though the person I’m with should accept everything that I am, I don’t force them to. I’ve had a complicated life and I have no complaints.

I’m a relationship kind of girl and I’m always looking for someone to play for keeps. I don’t like to get dicked around because I bring a lot to the table. Most of my relationships have lasted into the year marks. I cook, clean, I’m financially independent, I have my own car, I pay my bills, I’m extremely useful and I’m never one for boring conversation. My hair, makeup and clothing are always on point.

I don’t deserve to have someone not be honest with me, I don’t deserve anyone to hold me back. I look for the best in people and I believe in them - that’s where I go wrong. I believe in that in every person, there’s a perfect soul who just wants someone to love them - that’s not true, not everyone needs you to love them, not everyone needs you. I’m not saying I want to be with someone who needs me, but I’m saying I want to look across the dinner table and believe in who’s staring back at me. I want to be proud of them, I want to be their cheerleader, I want to see what they want me to see, I want what’s real.

Someday I’ll be laying in the sunshine on the warm beach laughing about all of this, about this insane journey I’ve taken here in New Jersey. I’ll be able to walk through the white doors of my parent’s house with a nasty sunburn and tell my mom I need a tuna fucking sandwich. My only care will be if my hair will get fucked up when I put the top down on the porsche and what time Guanabanna’s is doing happy hour. But I’ll be a grown up, I’ll be able to say I left and had the balls to admit that running away isn’t the answer and life doesn’t always go your way.

I didn’t cower when the world threw me for a loop, I didn’t back down and I arose over my challenges. Every morning I peeled myself out of bed and dodged the punches. I’m strong, I’m beautiful, I’m smart and I’m everything you’d ever want to have in your life.

If you’re feeling depressed never forget to reach out to those who love you, but if you’re too scared to admit (or too hard headed) you’re struggling, - there is hope.
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