Friday, July 4, 2014

 Don’t get me wrong, this has happened to me before many times. I’ve even done it myself in the past. I don’t know why this particular time is more heartbreaking than others. There’s this odd attachment, this strange stillness in my heart, this blank page.

I sat in the bathtub last night while the bubbles consumed me. I blankly stared at the mirror for what felt like hours. These questions screaming in the back of my mind.

I came out of the bathroom and you were curled up in the living room on the couch, face was puffy from crying. I stood in the kitchen and glared at you for a little while. I slid down along the oven and curled my knees up to my chest, I softly rested my head on knees and felt the hot tears run down my legs.

What makes you so different?
What makes you this special?
How could one person make me feel so bad?
Is it the way I look? I know I’ve gained a little weight.
Is it the way I don’t express emotions? I know sometimes I come off as cold.
Is it because I’m working all the time?
Is it because I was stressed out? I didn’t know where I was going to be living, how I was going to get the money, if I was going to have to transfer home.
Is it because sometimes you’re envious of my job?
I have acne sometimes, that doesn’t look great.
I can’t wear high heels.
Maybe you’re embarrassed about sometimes I can’t hold myself up because of my back.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ll never really know. Maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe I can’t handle to know.

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