Friday, July 25, 2014

 I’ve spent a lot of the last month feeling pretty crappy about myself and I have a lot of really amazing people holding my hand through it all. Life can be unexpected and unfair sometimes. I’m just really thankful I have a great support system in my life.


I’ve had a lot of let downs prior to what has happened and the more I think of it, the more these past events make this one look so small.

At the end of the day, I’m worthy of someone who feels that I’m worthy. I deserve someone who isn’t going to go looking for anything else. I’m a one woman power house and I’ve always cared so much about everyone that I’ve had relationships with. I’m trusting, smart, funny and playful. I might have some emotional baggage, but I do my best everyday to play it off and I never try to inconvenience anyone with my personal problems. Even though the person I’m with should accept everything that I am, I don’t force them to. I’ve had a complicated life and I have no complaints.

I’m a relationship kind of girl and I’m always looking for someone to play for keeps. I don’t like to get dicked around because I bring a lot to the table. Most of my relationships have lasted into the year marks. I cook, clean, I’m financially independent, I have my own car, I pay my bills, I’m extremely useful and I’m never one for boring conversation. My hair, makeup and clothing are always on point.

I don’t deserve to have someone not be honest with me, I don’t deserve anyone to hold me back. I look for the best in people and I believe in them - that’s where I go wrong. I believe in that in every person, there’s a perfect soul who just wants someone to love them - that’s not true, not everyone needs you to love them, not everyone needs you. I’m not saying I want to be with someone who needs me, but I’m saying I want to look across the dinner table and believe in who’s staring back at me. I want to be proud of them, I want to be their cheerleader, I want to see what they want me to see, I want what’s real.

Someday I’ll be laying in the sunshine on the warm beach laughing about all of this, about this insane journey I’ve taken here in New Jersey. I’ll be able to walk through the white doors of my parent’s house with a nasty sunburn and tell my mom I need a tuna fucking sandwich. My only care will be if my hair will get fucked up when I put the top down on the porsche and what time Guanabanna’s is doing happy hour. But I’ll be a grown up, I’ll be able to say I left and had the balls to admit that running away isn’t the answer and life doesn’t always go your way.

I didn’t cower when the world threw me for a loop, I didn’t back down and I arose over my challenges. Every morning I peeled myself out of bed and dodged the punches. I’m strong, I’m beautiful, I’m smart and I’m everything you’d ever want to have in your life.

If you’re feeling depressed never forget to reach out to those who love you, but if you’re too scared to admit (or too hard headed) you’re struggling, thehopeline.com - there is hope.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014

 I have no idea how I’m staying at work today. I’m so sick that I keep fazing in and out of consciousness.

Monday, July 21, 2014

 


Macy's new Blanket

Sunday, July 20, 2014

 


Hoboken Fishbowl

 


Friday, July 18, 2014

 


Thursday, July 17, 2014

 


Monday, July 14, 2014

 I picked you up but I had to go inside to get things from dinner. I knew it would be hard, so in my mind I prepared some sassy comebacks if I saw her.


I saw her but nothing came out of my mouth. My flawless fake smile dropped to a tiny ocean curl.

She looked over at me and did the same.

There I stood if only for a millisecond with my perfect makeup, hair, nails and outfit staring into the eyes of a girl in a super market smock with dirty hair and no makeup.

I’ve already lost.

You have to know all about it. You must know even more than I do.
I guess I’ll just keep walking.

Wild night in Hoboken.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

 


Saturday, July 5, 2014

 


Friday, July 4, 2014

 Don’t get me wrong, this has happened to me before many times. I’ve even done it myself in the past. I don’t know why this particular time is more heartbreaking than others. There’s this odd attachment, this strange stillness in my heart, this blank page.


I sat in the bathtub last night while the bubbles consumed me. I blankly stared at the mirror for what felt like hours. These questions screaming in the back of my mind.

I came out of the bathroom and you were curled up in the living room on the couch, face was puffy from crying. I stood in the kitchen and glared at you for a little while. I slid down along the oven and curled my knees up to my chest, I softly rested my head on knees and felt the hot tears run down my legs.

What makes you so different?
What makes you this special?
How could one person make me feel so bad?
Is it the way I look? I know I’ve gained a little weight.
Is it the way I don’t express emotions? I know sometimes I come off as cold.
Is it because I’m working all the time?
Is it because I was stressed out? I didn’t know where I was going to be living, how I was going to get the money, if I was going to have to transfer home.
Is it because sometimes you’re envious of my job?
I have acne sometimes, that doesn’t look great.
I can’t wear high heels.
Maybe you’re embarrassed about sometimes I can’t hold myself up because of my back.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ll never really know. Maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe I can’t handle to know.

Breathe.

Burned the shit out of my hand selfie

Thursday, July 3, 2014

 


Took cookies out of the oven without a mitt by accident.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

 He quietly turned to me and whispered, “because I did it.”


I stopped the car, shot my head in his direction and stared. My mouth dropped open, my eyes wide with hatred, palms covered in sweat, beads of silky tears rolled down my cheeks. It felt like an eternity before my arm snapped back and slammed into his face, “you what! You what!”

My voice boomed like thunder and I had no control over it, it vibrated the rear view mirror.

“I’m sorry, I love you! I’m sorry!” He pleaded and cried, “I love you!”

My mind boiled over and I could no longer hear what I was saying. Words flew out like bombs. Words slipped out faster than my eyes could produce tears. Was I even crying anymore?

I parked the car and turned it off. He was sobbing in the passenger seat. His blonde hair drooped over, eyes brilliant red, running his hands over his face. He couldn’t even look at me. Suddenly the little angel faced gentleman was no longer there, nothing but a washed out copy with remnants of once was.

I sat back in the seat and shut my eyes. Who would have known just an hour before this moment we were hand and hand in the supermarket? We were giggling and shopping, preparing for a party we were holding. I could feel my blood starting to boil. I could hear the thug screaming in my face “have some self respect! You have no idea what he’s done! You think it’s just rainbows and greatness! You’re so fucking blind!”

I looked over at the shell of what once was slumped over in my passenger seat and slowly got out of the car. I whispered softly, “wash your face. The guests will be here soon.” The door left my hands and shut with a bang.

I took off my shoes and placed them into my bag, started running and didn’t look back. “You’re so fucking blind! Have some self respect” “…because I did it.” “You don’t even know what’s going on! You think it’s all rainbows!” “The last time they did it was June 5th you little bitch!”

Run faster. Run faster. Faster. “Self respect!” My breathing increased but I felt weightless and if I felt weightless, nothing could hold down my shoulders.

Macy in the Bath

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

 


 Last night the whole world turned upside down and I fell flat on my face

 Just when you think it’s safe to breathe.