Thursday, May 1, 2014

 In a month I’ll be signing a lease for a new apartment. Most likely it’ll be a year lease. That means I’ll be here for another cold, dreary year in New Jersey.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever make it back home or ever see a sunny, beach town ever again.

I really thought coming here would be the beginning of my new life and I would have the chance to find myself, live life for me.

The only thing that I’ve really found is that I’m a very depressed person at times. I feel anxious, alone, incomplete. I see Holidays come and go without hot meals on the table, I see the struggle of paying bills on time, the struggle of saving money, the constant wonder of if I was in an accident who would even know, learning what it’s like to not have a closet, learning what it’s like to ruin someone’s couch because I’ve been sleeping on it for almost six months, the feeling of my knees being weak from the constant pain in my back.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t unhappy here.

This is just a chapter in my book and soon enough I’ll be onto the next one.

I caught my reflection in the Mc Donald’s window and saw someone I didn’t even know. There she stood wearing the same clothes I used to wear, but she was different - she had deep dark circles tattooed under her eyes, unkempt hair that resembled a lions mane after a brutal fight, she was slightly too chunky for the shorts she was wearing, and she didn’t have the glowing smile she used to be so proud of. But most of all she was alone and she looked used to it.

This isn’t who I want to be.
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