Sunday, December 1, 2013

I’ve never experienced something as crazy as walking into a bar semi drunk and sitting across from someone only a few months ago I would have given up everything for. We didn’t make eye contact and we didn’t even say hello to each other. We just happened to be sitting at the same exact table. I just keep telling myself I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t.

I wasn’t the cheater, I wasn’t the one talking to anyone behind his back, I wasn’t the one who said I wanted a homely life and then backed up on that. I wasn’t the one who went around talking shit to his friends. I wasn’t the one who made fun of his situations. I was the one cooking dinner that night, I changed. I did everything I was asked and I got nothing out of it.

Now I get to sit across from him at a bar that he said he hated so many times. I can’t count the amount of times I had to hear about how much he hated that bar, but there he was. The amount of nope that filled the room could have strangled me. Not enough Jameson in the world could have cured that moment. Believe me, I tried.

Someone who said they’d always be there for you now dodges anything pertaining to you. He doesn’t even know I’m leaving. He has no idea. It’s just crazy to think about it because his excuse for leaving me was /I have to move and I know you could never or would never move./ But I’m the one who’s moving. Ironic.

I really think that he doesn’t know what he wants or who he really is. He bounces around on opinions and if you ask him what he wants in life he won’t give you the same answer twice. I really hope that he figures out what he wants because at the end of the day he has a really nice life that he takes for granted. I sometimes question if he truly knows how to be happy.

It’s not my business anymore, but I hope he finds it. In a way I’m sorry I couldn’t provide what he wanted because I tried harder to please him than I have anyone else. I won’t take it as a complete failure, but I still question why.

Honestly, losing him was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I experienced what it’s really like to be 22 and single. It was a beautiful thing and I’ve learned more about myself in the past couple of months than I have in years.

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