September 30th 2013

Monday, September 30, 2013
I guess I should be angry and upset learning about what you've been up to, what you've been saying about me. I guess that means I'm completely over it.

The day has finally come and it didn't take me as long as I thought it would.

Maybe that's because I'm completely distracted. I'm no longer interested and I think I could go everyday without ever seeing you again. If I see you, I don't think I'll even feel bad. Maybe if we bump into each other or accidentally touch I'll feel a little spring of sadness, but that'll eventually fade too.

It's actually quite depressing because I truly believed I'd always have eyes for you. The truth is, I don't anymore. I don't think I ever will again. Sometimes I wonder how I even did in the first place.

September 29th 2013

Sunday, September 29, 2013
The Hollywood ending it never came easy.
The bride to be can plainly see,
now she says she's ready to kill me.
And I'm so afraid
I can't believe I've fallen for you.

September 28th 2013

Saturday, September 28, 2013
I looked up at you and we both laughed.
hi :)

September 26th 2013

Thursday, September 26, 2013
Fucking hate you.
Fucking hate you.
Fucking hate you.
Fucking hate you.
Fucking hate you.

September 24th 2013

Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I know I should completely back out.
No, tho.

September 23rd 2013

Monday, September 23, 2013
Hands off my phone.

September 15th 2013

Sunday, September 15, 2013
To top it off, I didn't get the townhouse.

September 14th 2013

Saturday, September 14, 2013
I didn't get the FT spot I wanted so badly at work.
Again.

I can't even explain how much I hate my life at this point.
I don't know how I'm going to get out of bed tomorrow.
I don't know how I'm going to walk back into work in 45 mins.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how it could get worse.
I don't think I can handle all this rejection.

The things I love the most do not love me back.
Am I unloveable?

What is it about me that always gets held back?
I got my heart stomped on twice in one week.
Just stomped on.

I'm just sitting in my car trying so hard not to just completely fall into little tiny pieces.

I don't think I've ever felt my heart hurt so much.

September 13th 2013

Friday, September 13, 2013
I remember my first week of college, I had to wear my back brace so that was embarrassing. Then I got this weird like throat problem and my voice sounded like a 50 year old smoker and then my throat got infected because I had to keep talking for classes. So it got worse and worse and worse.

I hate school.

September 12th 2013

Thursday, September 12, 2013
I absolutely can not wait to feel happy again.
I'm going to strive to feel as amazing as possible and I don't even fucking care how.

September 11th 2013

Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I should have just gone home after work but something was making me stay out. I drove by the townhouse I'm trying to buy and whispered a thousand times asking for a good thing to come into my life. Bring me some sort of something to get excited for. Give me a sign that everything is going to smooth out and that no matter if I'm alone or with someone I'll always be excited. Give me a dream to hang onto. Please.

I sat in my car staring at that purple bush outside the screened in patio just hoping for something, anything. 

Give me something to live for.

Give me something to wake up every morning and smile about.

Please.

September 9th 2013

Monday, September 9, 2013
My sinuses hurt so much from crying I can't even sleep.

I shouldn't even be crying because I know it was the right thing to do. I knew it was coming to and end and so did he.

I just didn't even imagine it happening today. I had a long day at work, but I made a lovely dinner and bought fancy wine. We got into talking about computers and cars and somehow it erupted into this huge fight. I know the fight didn't have to do with cars or computers, it stemmed from something worse inside of us both.

We yelled at each other for awhile and then I cleaned the kitchen. As I cleaned it he started to help. We spoke a little bit more and I sunk down onto the floor and leaned against the cabinets.

That's when the truth finally came out, he hates his job and he wants to try to go somewhere else. Somewhere far away. I have commitments where I live and I do not plan on switching stores or moving anytime soon. In fact, I'm trying to purchase a home.

I sat quietly on the floor biting my nails down to the bitter end and that's when I realized - he's right. Our lives are going into different directions and within the next few moments my heart burst into a million tiny pieces.

We got off the floor and we sat on the couch only to speak about the same issue - leaving. He said that he didn't want to pull me into it and he didn't think his current job would have ended up this way.

I understand completely and I tried my best to be strong and hold in all the hurt and pain I was experiencing in the moment. I rose from the arm of the couch and gathered my belongings.

I turned and told him that he was right and tried to reassure myself we were doing the right thing. I took one last glance around the condo I sometimes accidentally called "home" and had just a mere hour before cooked a fabulous love filled meal - wine bottle still cracked on the table. A romantic dinner gone wrong, a small attempt at being sexy gone awry.

I turned the handle on the door and told him "I guess I'll see you at work, then." I glanced quickly at the TV, football blaring in the background, and mumbled "enjoy your sports."

He walked over and told me not to say that, I ran my hand along his cheek and walked out the door.

It was over.

September 5th 2013

So when I was a kid my parents used to take me down to the Santa Cruz boardwalk, I didn't have any friends so I used to ride all the rides by myself. I worked all the time as a kid and never really had much of a social life.

My favorite was the Tsunami ride and I used to get on that one and pretend I had a friend with me. So you would just see this little girl just talking to fucking nobody and that was kind of great because I didn't really want anyone I didn't know to come sit next to me on the ride.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure this is what lead up to my foul mouth, fast cars, and undying love for Pizza Hut.

 After all, tomorrow is another day.