May 5th 2007

Saturday, May 5, 2007
It's funny how people can just log on here and watch all of my issues. Anyone who reads this, is reading my mind.
This is just normal, everyday life for me. I hate to read other people's blogs and see good things written. It upsets
me because my blog started that way, and then it slowly went down hill. It's hard to re-read this, I know I can't make
it through the first 3 pages. I miss myself, the girl I used to be.

I realized tonight that I don't understand my boyfriend at all. I think he wants something, but he pushes away when I
try to let him have what I think he wants. He leads me to think he wants to do things, and when I let him do it, he pushes
me away. It's very hard for me to understand.

As for Boosh, I won't have to worry about him tomorrow. I know where he's going to be, and it's not Florida. I got lucky
this time. He follows me, but I'm not quite sure where he stands. He watches every move I make, and just for that, my
whole personality changed. I ruined friday.

I don't know what to do, if I'm doing something wrong -- Drew wont tell me. He says he pushed me away because he
wanted to talk to me about friday. I told him around 100 times that it was alright. All I really wanted was a sorry.
I feel like such a bitch when he has to explain himself to me. I don't want him to have to say he's sorry. It breaks my
heart when I have to hear him say things like "I didn't know that bugged you, I'll try to cut down."

Sometimes, I wish I could read his mind. Just to know what he thinks about me.
Sometimes, I wish that Boosh would lay off, but sometimes it makes me feel good. I know that someone really does love me out there, and for that, I push him away. It's not just because of the cheating -- it's about all the lying, and all the crap he thought he could pull on me.

But it's my fault, too. To be quite honest, I wasn't so good. I let him slide everytime he did something bad to me.
I do the same thing with Drew. I get this awful feeling that I'm a bitch for saying they can't do things, but the things
they do make me feel bad, and I want them to stop. But on the other hand, I don't want to tell them they can't.
They have a right to do whatever they want, even if it does hurt me. It's not my place to come into their lives
and tell them that they have to just stop.

Boosh knew I was crying last night, I can just feel it. I know that boy, almost by heart. He was my life.
I wish I knew Drew like that.

It's almost a sin for Boosh to watch me like this. Seeing my "love" make me cry, and then leaving with his friends..
I mean, even Boosh would just hug me. Just give me a really long hug. I would just stand there and squeeze him.
He would force me to say how I felt, he would tell me "Just say it really slow, okay? I'm listening."
I'm not going to lie, Boosh did some amazing things. He could make me just... fall for him. I could be so mad at him,
and he would just hug me, and make a joke.

Boosh and I were walking down a beach once, and it was the first time he had cheated on me. He told me that
even though he was with another girl, he missed me.
I know that's so sappy, and a great excuse for a fake cheating freak, but it made me want to give him one of those
hour-long-hugs. Boosh and I never really kissed. He knew I was too young, and clueless. I think he was afraid that I would grow up, and he wouldn't have his little 5 year old with him anymore. Haha.

But Drew's never given me an Hour-Long-Hug. We've kissed for awhile, but nothing like a hour-long-hug.
An HLH (Hour-Long-Hug) is one of those hugs that you feel like you're falling asleep in the other persons arms,
and one of those hugs that even when your arms go numb, you still cling to that person.

I'm not very sexy, I really try to be sexy. I'd like to be sexy. But I must be doing something wrong.
He says I'm not doing anything wrong, but I know I'm doing something wrong. I just have to figure
out what it is. He might not tell me, but I'm going to find out.
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