May 5th 2007

Saturday, May 5, 2007
It's funny how people can just log on here and watch all of my issues. Anyone who reads this, is reading my mind.
This is just normal, everyday life for me. I hate to read other people's blogs and see good things written. It upsets
me because my blog started that way, and then it slowly went down hill. It's hard to re-read this, I know I can't make
it through the first 3 pages. I miss myself, the girl I used to be.

I realized tonight that I don't understand my boyfriend at all. I think he wants something, but he pushes away when I
try to let him have what I think he wants. He leads me to think he wants to do things, and when I let him do it, he pushes
me away. It's very hard for me to understand.

As for Boosh, I won't have to worry about him tomorrow. I know where he's going to be, and it's not Florida. I got lucky
this time. He follows me, but I'm not quite sure where he stands. He watches every move I make, and just for that, my
whole personality changed. I ruined friday.

I don't know what to do, if I'm doing something wrong -- Drew wont tell me. He says he pushed me away because he
wanted to talk to me about friday. I told him around 100 times that it was alright. All I really wanted was a sorry.
I feel like such a bitch when he has to explain himself to me. I don't want him to have to say he's sorry. It breaks my
heart when I have to hear him say things like "I didn't know that bugged you, I'll try to cut down."

Sometimes, I wish I could read his mind. Just to know what he thinks about me.
Sometimes, I wish that Boosh would lay off, but sometimes it makes me feel good. I know that someone really does love me out there, and for that, I push him away. It's not just because of the cheating -- it's about all the lying, and all the crap he thought he could pull on me.

But it's my fault, too. To be quite honest, I wasn't so good. I let him slide everytime he did something bad to me.
I do the same thing with Drew. I get this awful feeling that I'm a bitch for saying they can't do things, but the things
they do make me feel bad, and I want them to stop. But on the other hand, I don't want to tell them they can't.
They have a right to do whatever they want, even if it does hurt me. It's not my place to come into their lives
and tell them that they have to just stop.

Boosh knew I was crying last night, I can just feel it. I know that boy, almost by heart. He was my life.
I wish I knew Drew like that.

It's almost a sin for Boosh to watch me like this. Seeing my "love" make me cry, and then leaving with his friends..
I mean, even Boosh would just hug me. Just give me a really long hug. I would just stand there and squeeze him.
He would force me to say how I felt, he would tell me "Just say it really slow, okay? I'm listening."
I'm not going to lie, Boosh did some amazing things. He could make me just... fall for him. I could be so mad at him,
and he would just hug me, and make a joke.

Boosh and I were walking down a beach once, and it was the first time he had cheated on me. He told me that
even though he was with another girl, he missed me.
I know that's so sappy, and a great excuse for a fake cheating freak, but it made me want to give him one of those
hour-long-hugs. Boosh and I never really kissed. He knew I was too young, and clueless. I think he was afraid that I would grow up, and he wouldn't have his little 5 year old with him anymore. Haha.

But Drew's never given me an Hour-Long-Hug. We've kissed for awhile, but nothing like a hour-long-hug.
An HLH (Hour-Long-Hug) is one of those hugs that you feel like you're falling asleep in the other persons arms,
and one of those hugs that even when your arms go numb, you still cling to that person.

I'm not very sexy, I really try to be sexy. I'd like to be sexy. But I must be doing something wrong.
He says I'm not doing anything wrong, but I know I'm doing something wrong. I just have to figure
out what it is. He might not tell me, but I'm going to find out.

May 4th 2007

Friday, May 4, 2007
I'm sitting here in a room full of people having freaky sex. Well, not really. But I have Nickki, Brandon, Mel, and Dustin over here right now. I'm here, too. But nobody's paying any attention to me. Drew didn't come tonight, and I'm fucking glad he didn't.

You see, I was at downtown seeing Spiderman 3 with everyone, the movie sucked, then we went to TooJays, and then we kinda walked around. Well, durring the movie I looked behind me, and I saw Boosh sitting 2 rows behind me. I layed down on the seat so he wouldn't see me. But it was too late.
Later on I was in Starbucks with my people, and I get this phone call, and he said "I can see you.. can you see me?", and I was just like "What the hell?" and so I walked out and looked around. I seriously couldn't see him.
Then everyone came out of Starbucks, and stood by the fountain with me. Then I looked back, and I saw him on the upper level, I wasn't sure if he saw me, but he was gone when I looked back. So, everyone wanted to walk around, and I seriously didn't want Boosh to find me, but I didn't want to ruin the time. So we kinda stood by sloans, and then I ran upstairs because I thought I saw him. I got up, and I wanted to run after him. By the time I got up to the stairs, he was gone.
Drew followed me up the stairs, but he seriously didn't give a shit about me and my issues. He just kinda walked up there to see what was going on. So, I told him not to worry, and just to go back downstairs, but he didn't.

So I felt all dumb, so we walked back down by everyone. I sat down by a fountain, and Drew sat next to me.
Out of the blue, Andrew P walks up with Stephen, and Stephen talks about how he drove a BMW to downtown.
Drew gets up and demands they go for a ride. Just willing to leave me.
Then Andrew P told Drew to "Pay attention to his Girlfriend".

I got so pissed off, because all day Drew had been hugging every girl he knew, and was telling them that he loved them.
This was ticking me off, because he hardly ever tells me he loves me, and yet he could just throw around words like that.
There's no use being a girlfriend if every girl gets the same treatment.

So I got up and ran away.
Andrew P was making me feel like shit, anyways.

So then Drew didn't even come over to see what was wrong. he was so excited about going in the car, that he left his girlfriend crying outside of downtown. Niceee.

He didn't even say goodbye to me, or anything. I was fucking pissed off.

Then I get this text saying "Are you still here?"
and I said "No. Why do you care?"
and he goes "Well, I went for a ride in the car, and I wanted to see you.."
(something along those lines)

I get totally pissed.
What the hell?
Car ride first, then someone I love comes after?
Here I know she's crying, but I need to take a ride in this car.

I was about to leave his ass. Seriously.
I was fucking ticked off.

Even though he said sorry, it took me four fucking messages to get a "sorry" from him.
Im still really angry.

This time it's not dumb.

Everytime I cry, he leaves me.
No sorry, no nothing.

I'm not being so lovey-dovey anymore.
That seriously broke my heart.
Now I'm scared to be with him, I'm so scared of what he'll make me do.

Just not fair.
I don't ask for much.

But men, when you see your girl crying -- the BMW can fucking wait.