April 22nd 2007

Sunday, April 22, 2007
I guess I should start out by saying that, this post wont make any sence unless you know what happened on Friday. Only one person knows, I think. Not sure. I only told Nickki.
Here it goes :

I seem to only come on here to complain, and I think that this is partually another "angry" post.
I always seem to bitch on and on about Drew, and how he doesn't do everything how I want him to,
and crap like that. It seriously needs to stop.
I bitch at him to call, but when he does call.. it's kind of like talking to a wall. He really doesn't pay
Last night he was on the phone with Nickki for quite awhile, and I know they had some good convos,
but when I got on the phone, he kinda.. went silent. He asked how I was, and what I did today, stuff like that.
But then he started being quiet, and I guess he was on the computer or something.
So I kinda got upset that he wasnt saying anything, and I was sick of trying to start convos with him, so I gave
Nickki back the phone, and I told her that since he talked to her more, they could keep talking.

He never opens up to me, and It's semi upsetting.
I really want him to talk to me about things =/
If that makes sence.

So then he hung up on me, basicly, and I started to think about how I make him do all these things,
and I never really do anything for him. Like I don't want to call him, because I want to see if he'll actually
call me, and I wont open up to him, because I don't want to scare him.

I sent him around 11 "sorry" texts.

They said :

:/ you just never make convos with me. You don't really open up to me. All of the things I know about you, I learned from Kenzie. I just wish you would talk to me. That's all. I'm really sorry, but you don't talk to me about anything. Kenzie tells me stuff, and that's why I know so much about you. But you've never told me anything. I'm sorry if it sounds Bitchy, or if I keep pushing you to do things. I don't mean to be like that. I guess I'm kinda annoying because I ask you to do things. But I don't call you, and I don't really make an effort to tell you how I feel. So I'm not really being fair, huh?
haha but I keep going on and on in a text message. That's sad. You don't even notice you're getting texts. Lmao. But whatever, I hope you read the texts because I want you to know how I feel. I love you, and Miss you.

But he never responded to them.

I texted him today, and he didn't text back.

I'm really scared that I messed things up on Friday by doing what we did. But it seriously came so fast that I'm sure we had no idea what was going on. I hope I didn't put any pressure on him, and I hope he doesn't look at me in a different way. Because I don't think he understands how much I love him, and sometimes it scares me. I never thought that I could love someone this much, and if I loose him now, I know it'll be really hard on me.
It was hard on me when I lost Boosh, but Boosh is nothing compaired to Drew. I could see myself with Drew for a really long time. I hope it lasts, I really do.
I was just thinking about him today, and I was laughing so hard I almost ran a red light. He makes me smile so much.
I'm pretty sure he'd think it was weird if I told him that. Especially the whole me wanting to be with him forever thing...
I don't think he'd wanna stay with me forever. He's so much better than I am.

But after friday night, I'm just scared he's going to leave me.
I wonder if I made a mistake.
I know on Friday night, I went home and cried in the shower.
I'm really confused right now.
I'm happy about it, yet I'm really scared.
I'm questioning myself.
Am I good enough to keep this boy?
No, No I'm not.
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